The last few weeks I have been telling myself over and over how busy I am and how I don't have enough time to do anything but stay at home. Well, it just hit me that I am probably the most unbusy person I know. I only have two commitments: school and my IOP. Why do I feel so busy??
Tomorrow, however, I actually am busy--or at least I think so. I need to get a TB shot at school, go to the grocery store, go to an AA meeting, go to an interview with an employment agency, hit the gym, go to my evening group, then do homework. That doesn't seem out of the ordinary to you guys, does it? I have been delaying getting the TB shot and going to the grocery store for so long now that I have ZERO substantial food and will get suspended from my program again if I don't get that shot tomorrow!
My mind can only handle so much stimuli. I am overwhelmed by and out of touch with the world.
But, believe it or not, I have made an impressive amount of progress, and I am significantly less depressed than I was before I moved. I have a lot going for me, and I am not as big a loser as I make myself out to be. I am so fucking thankful everyday for the luxuries I have: I have my own room in a warm house, my own money, my own car and other material posessions such as books, my keyboard, my computer and my extensive music collection. I am physically presentable, I have an excellent resume, an academic past and future, 44 days of sobriety, a connection to my Higher Power, and a desire to live--I have it all. But man, it sure is tough to embrace this world all alone. I don't know if any of you are familiar with such a dark and profound loneliness--no friends, no family, no familiar faces, no love interest, no social support. It's just me, my mind and the world.