Glory

glorypearl @ 2007-01-07T19:30:00

2007-01-08T03:37:11Z

2006 was quite an eventful year for me. I will update soon...

glorypearl @ 2006-08-19T21:19:00

2006-08-20T05:56:58Z

Whoa, I haven't updated my LJ in over two months. What is wrong with this picture??

What's new:
I took a class over the summer just to stay connected.
I've been working at the Humboldt County library for a while; it's the perfect job right now.
I'm still sober. I haven't used any drugs or alcohol in almost SEVEN months!
I still go to meetings, and I have a great sponsor with whom I'm working the steps.
I have a new roommate named Lindsey; she rules.
Besides Lindsey, I still haven't made any friends yet. I'm still reclusive. Except now instead of drinking and drugging and going online, I read.
I go back to school in a week. I have a sweet schedule and I'm looking forward to it.

Most importantly, I am happy. I've been going with the flow of life, floating, not thrashing in attempt to save my sorry ass. I'm exhilarated to know when I'm taking the right turns. When I reach a fork, I pray for a sign, with the willingness to follow through.

For instance, I didn't know what to do about my education; I have 46 units under my belt and several major options: stay at a JC until I'm competitive enough to apply to Berkeley, apply to schools I can get into, or study abroad (New Zealand sparked my interest.) I asked God for a small sign on what I should do. He gave me more than a small sign. He gave me one of those giant flashing LANE ENDING MERGE RIGHT construction signs: My landlady has every National Geographic magazine ever published in chronological order. I felt like reading one from the 70's and grabbed one at random--July 1973. The featured article was about the glow worms in the Waitomo Caves in New Zealand. Check this, not only is my nickname glow worm, but I LOVE caves, and these caves are close to the university I had my eye on. In fact the article quotes students! To add a cherry on top, Waikato University offers cog sci as a major. So New Zealand, it is! I am so fucking excited. Before all this happened, my former roommate Jenine moved to Scotland for 6 months through a work abroad program. She's such a cool chick, she's traveled and lived all over the world. She was the one who suggested I study abroad. When the time comes, she will be a fabulous help with the bureaucratic details.

I am exceedingly grateful that I have such amazing options. I get to go to college. I have the means to live on my own in the redwood forest on the coast of Cali, one of the most beautiful places on earth. I have the means and the freedom to move to another country. I even have a car. I also have a keyboard and a computer. Shit, I even have an iPod. To say nothing about my good health, the clothes on my body, the food in my fridge, and the roof over my head! I have too many comforts and fabulous opportunities to fuck up my life with alcohol and drugs. It's unfortunate that I can't enjoy a brew or a bowl now and again. But I know how my body and mind work. To those of you who can, knock one back and blaze one up for me, and be grateful for the luxury. In turn I'll think of you carless losers tomorrow as I cruise around town, eating a Power Bar, blasting tunes in my '92 Honda Accord--sorry for rear-ending you, Sir, I was not paying attention when I opened my snack, don't worry I have insurance.

glorypearl @ 2006-05-21T19:29:00

2006-05-22T03:32:18Z

Do destiny and freedom contradict each other? I feel liberated; the options of things to do with my life are endless. But, on the other hand, I feel a profound sense of purpose--like I am right where I am supposed to be and I am doing what I am supposed to do.
Then, for an instant, I feel psychic; I can see exactly what I am doing in ten years and how all the events in my life have been preparing me for it. Then I realize people have a name for those kinds of thoughts--delusions of grandeur--and I am back to feeling aimless, crazy and depressed.
Then part of me tries to tell myself, "It's okay, those thoughts can be motivating, can help you achieve greater things."
Then another part of me says, "Who are you kidding? You never even leave the house."
"But some of the world's greatest thinkers are loners."
"Why are you even trying to compare yourself to the greats? What's your problem?"
"Some of the world's greatest thinkers are arrogant."
"There you go again..."
"ARGGHHH! I can't help it... Fuck off."
"Get off your damn pedestal.
And why are you talking to yourself?"
"I'm not! ... Shut up, shut up, shut up!"
"YOU SHUT UP."

My mind is a car full of kids on a long road trip. quarrel, Quarrel, QUARREL. Silence. quarrel, Quarrel, QUARREL. Silence...

But life in general is pretty good I guess. It fluctuates. I don't know what to say.

glorypearl @ 2006-04-30T23:28:00

2006-05-01T06:28:58Z

Row, Row, Row Your Boat is a fantastic song if you stop to think about it. It seems that everyone these days is blasting across the bay forcefully and angrily in a speedboat.

"Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily...
Life is but a dream."

glorypearl @ 2006-04-30T18:54:00

2006-05-01T02:32:03Z

When I am feeling annoyed, AA is extremely annoying. People spout cliches and bullshit and self-righteous wisdom and the same old "poor me" stories, and "i'm not perfect" means "but now that i'm in AA i'm pretty damn close" and "glad you're here" is a euphemism for "i am better than you. maybe someday you'll get it."
AA IS a cult, albeit one that has helped many people; the Big Book is the bible, and the ONLY way to stay sober is through the 12-steps. I'm not a fan of organized religion. There are some excellent things about AA however. It has indeed helped thousands of people stay sober, it is widely accessible, it is helpful to be around other recovering alcoholics and to help other alcoholics in their recovery, and the 12-steps have important ideas behind them such as honesty and forgiveness. What I can't stand about AA is the bullshit that you WILL relapse if you do not have a sponsor and live and breathe the 12-steps. And I hate how 12-steppers shun those who mention alternative recovery methods. Arrrghh, it's driving me nuts!!!

a bit about social anxiety

2006-03-30T06:01:04Z

I just remembered--Happy Birthday to me!! Today is my 60 day sobriety date. :)
However, I wasn't able to get myself to a meeting today to receive my chip because I was at school from 8:30 am to 8:30 pm.

Today has been my first good day after a whole string of shitty ones. I was so damn down that I couldn't even update my LJ. I couldn't flop out a single word--nothing. And I had to write a five-page persuasive essay in that condition, which I naturally saved until the last minute. Luckily, my suicidality was of some use, as my essay topic was euthanasia--physician-assisted suicide. I found myself pumping out thought after thought after thought until I completely changed my mind on the issue. I recreated my outline to reflect my new thesis and started all over again. Well, today I got the essay back. A+. The professor said, "Gloria. I want you to bring your essay to class next week and read it outloud. I was hoping you could read it today, but there are too many people absent. I want you to have a larger audience."
Holy shit!! I couldn't enjoy the compliment at that moment because I was overwhelmed with anxiety. It's a struggle for me to read the frikkin AA Preamble at meetings, let alone read an entire five-page paper--that i wrote--to a college english class.

I can't even begin to tell you the irony of this situation. Part of what was feeding my depression the past week was my social anxiety and the unbearable feelings of humiliating myself in front of others. On Saturday I was called on to speak at an AA meeting when I was already on the verge of a panic attack. I don't even remember what I said, but I know everyone was cringing at my discomfort--red face, stumbling over words, staring at the ground, shallow breathing and pausing for breaths in all the wrong places, probably talking too fast, and undoubtedly making little sense. I couldn't hear a word I was saying. I think I made a sorry attempt to joke about my discomfort, commenting on how I keep a radius of at least 1 empty chair on all sides of me; no one laughed. Then in my group on Monday, I had to read a packet about my addictions outloud to the group. Extremely similar feelings, except this time I was in the spotlight for 15 whole minutes. It was a fat packet. I tried to read it as quickly as possible, to get it over with ASAP, and I didn't even realize until yesterday (yes, I dwelled on it the entire day) that I was reading too fast and no one could follow me or become engaged in what I was saying.

If I could just HEAR myself when I'm speaking, if I could just RELAX and breathe deeply, then I would be okay. I just feel like such an idiot that I can't talk in front of my fellow human beings. I feel so conceited that I am only able to focus on myself. Of course the best thing I can do is practice. I know that it's no accident that I'm being confronted with all these public speaking situations. But shit, this is dangerously uncomfortable.

Now how the hell am I going to read this paper to my class on Monday?

EDIT. Here is an excerpt from an e-mail I just received from my friend Mohamed:
"Also, breath. I helps you relax a bit, and try to slow down because nervousness tend to drive us crazy and may even puts us on an empty freeway, where we go way to fast trying to get home, or our disk, where we might feel a little more comfortable that right there with the staring eyes on us. Believe me, it is going to be alright."
Is that not the cutest thing ever?

glorypearl @ 2006-03-16T20:03:00

2006-03-17T04:23:12Z

It's really easy to rag on myself about all the things in my life I still need to work on (make friends, become less self-conscious/self-centered, do something creative, exercise, get a job and on and on...) I can't win with that kind of thinking--there will always be more to work on. Yesterday, I ran into the dude who did my intake 6 weeks ago and he said, "Hey Gloria! You look a hell of a lot better than the last time I saw you!!" And I realized how right he was. I have made phenomenal progress in the past 6 weeks, and I lost sight of where I'm coming from. And what more could I ask for than progress? If I don't set more realistic standards for myself and treat myself with more respect, perfectionism will be the death of me. Literally.

glorypearl @ 2006-03-14T00:35:00

2006-03-14T08:36:34Z

P.S. On Friday I am driving down to the Bay Area for my spring break.

glorypearl @ 2006-03-14T00:34:00

2006-03-14T08:34:46Z

The last few weeks I have been telling myself over and over how busy I am and how I don't have enough time to do anything but stay at home. Well, it just hit me that I am probably the most unbusy person I know. I only have two commitments: school and my IOP. Why do I feel so busy??

Tomorrow, however, I actually am busy--or at least I think so. I need to get a TB shot at school, go to the grocery store, go to an AA meeting, go to an interview with an employment agency, hit the gym, go to my evening group, then do homework. That doesn't seem out of the ordinary to you guys, does it? I have been delaying getting the TB shot and going to the grocery store for so long now that I have ZERO substantial food and will get suspended from my program again if I don't get that shot tomorrow!

My mind can only handle so much stimuli. I am overwhelmed by and out of touch with the world.

But, believe it or not, I have made an impressive amount of progress, and I am significantly less depressed than I was before I moved. I have a lot going for me, and I am not as big a loser as I make myself out to be. I am so fucking thankful everyday for the luxuries I have: I have my own room in a warm house, my own money, my own car and other material posessions such as books, my keyboard, my computer and my extensive music collection. I am physically presentable, I have an excellent resume, an academic past and future, 44 days of sobriety, a connection to my Higher Power, and a desire to live--I have it all. But man, it sure is tough to embrace this world all alone. I don't know if any of you are familiar with such a dark and profound loneliness--no friends, no family, no familiar faces, no love interest, no social support. It's just me, my mind and the world.

glorypearl @ 2006-03-08T20:13:00

2006-03-09T04:14:17Z

Did I mention that I was unanimously voted back into my program?! Something about this program is definitely working for me, though I don't know exactly what it is. I am grateful to be back. Although the men there can be quite crude, they are hilarious and we are always cracking up.

Life is bizarre, to say the least. I realize that I shouldn't take it so seriously. Even though my system is completely drug-free now, I am still in a constant state of depersonalization, and it has led me right back to the same old destructive habits, fears and compulsions. I just now remembered a therapist asking me a couple years ago, "What if you continue to experience depersonalization the rest of your life? How would you cope?" Good question, though I didn't think so then. Thus far, I have coped by isolating myself from the world and paralyzing myself with anxiety--not too effective. Oh, and drinking of course. Alcohol is the only thing I have found that can temporarily relieve me from this state of mind; the only thing that can make me feel connected to my own life, to other human beings, and to the world. Ah, no wonder these feelings have intensified lately!

Shit, maybe this is one of those things that I can't change.

I am definitely noticing a transformation in my attitude lately. I have to laugh about all the stuff that runs through my head. It really is quite funny. I am sure that no one gives a shit about the strange and awkward mistakes I dwell on. And BFD if they do.

glorypearl @ 2006-02-28T22:29:00

2006-03-01T06:29:15Z

I would love to let out a loud fart right now. But there are a couple Environment California representatives crashing on the floor right outside my bedroom. I would hate to disturb their peace and pollute their air.

glorypearl @ 2006-02-26T18:40:00

2006-02-27T03:19:47Z

I finally met my new roommate today. She is very bubbly.

I met a cute guy named Craig in AA this evening, and I met a cute guy named Greg in psychology last Thursday. Craig and Greg.

I'm having severe problems concentrating on homework. I've literally spent 18 hours this weekend sitting with the books in front of me, and I got NOTHING done. It feels like I'm stoned, except if I was stoned, I wouldn't have the perseverance to keep trying. I've tried tea, red bull, getting a snack, walking briskly around the house, cleaning, organizing...but nothing seems to help. I get the perfect amount of sleep, not too little, not too much, I have an extremely healthy diet and I have been completely sober for a month. I'm especially frustrated because this homework isn't even difficult, and my study conditions are ideal. And now I'm going stir-crazy because I haven't left the house in 3 days since I haven't gotten any homework done. What is this shit?

glorypearl @ 2006-02-24T16:23:00

2006-02-25T00:25:04Z

I talked about quitting the rehab outpatient program.

Well, I was suspended yesterday, and I'm only the second person who's been suspended in the last six months.. I didn't fulfill my AA/NA meeting requirement last week, and my drug test came back diluted, which they count as a positive (but I just drink a ton of tea and water.) Doug knows that I didn't go to the meetings because I was planning on quitting the program, and he knows that I wasn't trying to flush anything out of my system. The guy is smarter and a better counselor than I gave him credit for...Now that I think about it, I have been showing a lot of warning signs of relapse, and he needed a reason to pull my covers and kick my ass. Because my parents were extremely lenient, I am not used to people giving me consequences. I think I really do need a structured, no-bullshit program like this.

I'm suspended from all groups for a week, which gives me a nice break. If I want to return, I have to write a letter on why I should be re-admitted and read it aloud to the group, then leave the room while they decide. Right now I am writing the most kick-ass suspension letter they will ever hear, so the fools better vote me back in!!

glorypearl @ 2006-02-21T22:45:00

2006-02-22T06:46:27Z

Ugh...don't you hate it when you put off writing a long essay until the night before it's due? What useless self-torture.
I am currently enjoying some LJ and granola for busting out a good outline and the first two paragraphs. And tea, of course. Lots of black tea. This is going to be a long night..
But after I make it through school tomorrow, I have another four-day weekend.
I can't complain. Life is pretty darn good.

glorypearl @ 2006-02-18T16:36:00

2006-02-19T02:14:42Z

I have been completely sober for 21 days. My last drug test came back completely clean, so this marks the first time in six years that I have had no THC in my system, which is odd considering I have been able to go two to three months at a time without alcohol, and my urge to drink is substantially stronger than my urge to toke. Alcohol, to me, is blatantly self-destructive, whereas pot never clearly presented me with a reason to drop it.

I am still constantly battling alcohol cravings. When my roommate's boyfriend walked in yesterday evening with a 12-pack of Great White and offered me one, I had trouble saying no. I experienced the familiar feeling of greediness, instantly dividing the number of beers by the number of drinkers. I never understood why someone would just bring a 12-pack. A 12 isn't enough for me, let alone enough to get four drunk. Ah well...it just reinforced the difference between me and a "normal" drinker, which still makes me bitter and envious.

I am also still struggling with depression, disassociation and shame. But those are deep-rooted feelings; they're not just going to go away. Amazingly, I have also been experiencing moments of overwhelming bliss and hope. I have never had those kind of feelings sober since I was a child! I am rediscovering freewill, and it's incredible. This has been the longest month of my life. I can actually differentiate one day from the next, and I am constantly asking myself, "now what should I do?" I have been doing a lot of cooking and piano-playing and reading, and I am doing so well in school. My english teacher has read three of my papers to the class. It kind of feels like I'm just slacking-off and relaxing, but I am also getting a lot done. There are so many more hours in my day now.

This rehab outpatient program is not doing much for me. Everyone else is there because they have to be, and I don't see the benefit of threats and drug tests and pointless assignments. For six hours a week I pay to sit and do nothing. There is no agenda or curriculum or coping strategies. And from what I hear from the guys, this is the best treatment program around here. The other ones they describe sound like a nightmare. I just don't see how shaming human beings fosters recovery. Along with many addicts, I am dual-diagnosis, so I am trying to liberate my deep-rooted shame, not harden it.

I think I'll use the money I'm paying Crossroads to get a weekly therapist. But my faith in the institutions here and the competency of the staff is rather shaky. I am spoiled by the state-of-the-art establishments in the Bay Area that employ intelligent staff and radiate political-correctness. I miss Dr. Hooe and Kassandra Edwards. I miss the Bay Area. But I definitely don't miss being at home. I spoke to my dad on the phone a few days ago and was overwhelmed with frustration and disgust by the same old shit.

I love my place now. I love my room. I love my roommates. I love the scenery here. But I am still lonely as hell. I think I'm finally ready to do something about it. I have no excuse to be lonely anymore. I am capable of being a decent friend.

glorypearl @ 2006-02-13T18:17:00

2006-02-14T03:34:52Z

I decided to stick with the group. I do need help, and I'd be lying to myself if I said otherwise. Until recently, I always thought that I could overcome alcoholism by myself if I was just stronger, braver, smarter or worked harder. I moved up here 3 weeks ago, which took plenty of strength, courage, intelligence and hard work. I experienced a rush of motivation and a new hope and was feeling pretty high and mighty. I thought my situation at home was surely what had prevented me from recovering in the past. I'm sure you can guess what happened... After just one week of sobriety, I relapsed. Here I was, 400 miles from home, on my own, all my old routines shattered, suddenly realizing that this inherent problem is all mine.

If you're not familiar with the first step of 12-step recovery programs, here it is:
We admitted we were powerless--that our lives had become unmanageable.

Powerlessness. What a concept. Of course I know what it means, but I have never applied it to my own situation. I have always preached the "mind over matter" philosophy and taken pride in my independent personality. I tried so damn hard to handle this myself, and I became furious at myself because my progress never lasted for more than a couple months. Let me differentiate: powerlessness is NOT the inability to seek help. I know about help, (I've been in therapy for 7 years!), but I need the kind of help that I can't get from myself or anyone else. Here's what the second step has to say about that:
We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Wow, selfishness is such a hallmark of this disease. I was so self-absorbed that, not only did I lose all my friends, I lost God. I am still having trouble taking off my Me, Me, Me shades; the light is still too fucking bright. But now I know that that light is within my reach--always has been, always will be.

Sounds nice on paper, doesn't it? But FUCK. In the time it took me to write that, my mood transformed from hopeful, calm and content to doubtful, bitter, pissed off and fucking sad. I'm in a rather painful state of grief. It feels as if I have lost a parent. And I hate to admit it, but I have a closer relationship with alcohol than I have with any of my family members--or friends for that matter! Alcohol is my beloved and a defining part of my lifestyle, culture, hobbies and personality. And now it's fucking gone. Like the unexpected death of a loved one, it doesn't even seem real to me. Have you ever yearned and prayed so hard that the departed could come back to life just for a minute? That exact feeling is what makes this so damn painful; but unlike bringing life back to the dead, reuniting with alcohol is very much a possibility. In fact, it is a likelihood.

God help me...

glorypearl @ 2006-02-07T22:45:00

2006-02-08T06:59:59Z

Last night I had a dream that San Mateo was disastrously flooded. The dream changed scenes numerous times as I witnessed the deaths of many acquaintences: it began in the McDonalds parking lot on Barneson & El Camino (ironically, that is where I met Matt,) then shifted to the inside of a huge apartment complex downtown, then moved to the courtyard of the same apartment complex, then ended on 5th avenue. I thought I was a goner inside that apartment building; that's where the majority of the people died. But once I made it outside to the courtyard, I was saved by a HUGE Tongan guy chilling in the jacuzzi with his 18"x4" hard-on completely exposed (I just saw King Kong...) He got me on a giant wooden raft, and we rode the rushing water, dodging treacherous objects, until we crossed El Camino on 5th Avenue, where the water miraculously got shallower and shallower until it just stopped. We got off the raft and walked towards the residential area into the setting sun. We would return when the water dried up.

glorypearl @ 2006-02-05T19:36:00

2006-02-06T04:10:04Z

Do you know how badly I want a 12-pack, or a fifth of whiskey, or a couple bottles of white wine right now?

I am scared of feeling. I've anesthetized these emotions for so long that they're foreign to me now. I feel like a completely different person.

I really need to prepare myself for my trip back home this weekend. There will be a deluge of alcohol crying my name; there will be drinking and faux-merryment and more drinking; there will be thick winter brews before dinner, red wine during dinner, and port after dinner; there will be clouds of fragrant herb smoke wafting from my sister's room across the hall into mine; there will be the immense sadness and stress associated with being at home.

Maybe going home isn't a good idea? I just feel that Matt needs me during this horrific time, this nightmare, and his loss should take precedence. Conversely, I wonder if that dream the other night was warning me not to go...am I tripping?

What do you think?

amaranth

2006-02-05T07:26:43Z

SETH WEINSTEIN--the most wise, genuine & real person I have ever met--and Matt's stepfather--was found today, having took his own life. Matt and his mother are of course absolutely devastated.

Just on Wednesday in psychology class, I was thinking about Seth during our discussion of case studies. I remember Seth was part of a long term case study for one of his psychological disorders, and a terrible thought crossed my mind: if Seth dies, he will be just a statistic, just a number, in that damn case study. I was angry at myself at the time for having such a thought. Now I realize that, at that precise moment, he was planning, if not executing, his death. Seth's energy is so profound that it infiltrated my thoughts, and that was not the first time.

I love you, Seth. What an amazing man you are. I cannot imagine all the struggles and pain and darkness you experienced. I always saw the wonderful side of you--the side that, because of your suffering, was so incredibly strong: your captivating storytelling, your warm bear hugs, the glow in your eyes, the way you touched other people's lives and set them at ease; your amaranthine energy has made the world a better place, and now it is making the universe a better place. I am glad your soul is free. We will all miss you immensely.

I'm driving down to the Bay Area on Thursday to be with Matt; it's the least I can do.

glorypearl @ 2006-02-04T12:20:00

2006-02-04T20:23:21Z

Last night I had a dream that I was living with Matt, where he lives now--his friends' parents house.

At first, it was a good dream. I enjoyed the gorgeous house and the comfort of living with him.

Then it turned uncomfortable. I started feeling extremely guilty because, since they're so rich, they would not accept any money for my rent. By not accepting my rent, it was like they were forcing me to feel I owed something to them, like I HAD to stick around. I realized that I was trapped.

Then it turned into a nightmare...I plotted day and night about how I would escape; it was going to be extremely dangerous. Matt wasn't going to let me go so easily, and his dad and everyone was behind him...a whole army versus me. No one was on my side.

Then, as I got enough courage to make the escape, it turned into an adventure dream. I wish I could remember the details of all the close-calls. Matt and his clan was right behind me the whole time...it was terrifying. I was able to fight off everyone except Matt. The final battle scene between me and Matt turned into a treacherous jungle--Vietnam, to be exact, since I was reading about it last night. I was fighting for my life, desperately maneuvering through the foreign territory. I was sure that if Matt wasn't going to kill me, the deadly surroundings would.

Then, right as I was running out of breath and felt him grabbing at my ankles, I reached a clearing--a vast green meadow, with a cloudy blue sky--and my feet left the ground. I was floating. As I faced him and floated up and up, Matt picked up rocks and began hurling them at me. I didn't even flinch...it was like the rocks went right through my body. But I was still petrified and paddled hard, as if in water, to keep myself moving up and not falling down to earth. I finally felt relief when I was up high enough that he turned into just a small dot at the edge of the jungle. I realized I didn't need to paddle anymore; I kept on floating towards the sun like a balloon. It was then that the music started playing: Enya - Amarantine. Hahahaha. That's when I woke up.

glorypearl @ 2006-02-01T23:55:00

2006-02-02T07:58:03Z

Wow. Happiness.
It feels so foreign.

I feel like a bald, beer-bellied, baseball-watching American man, with a boring wife who's blown me once in 20 years, who has suddenly been whisked away to a tropical paradise by a bald, big-breasted, exotic Brazilian woman, who pops succulent fruit into my mouth on a beach of fine white sand.

glorypearl @ 2006-01-28T18:46:00

2006-01-29T02:49:37Z

Yay, I finally have the internet!!

I have been feeling significantly less depressed since I've been up here. But I haven't really felt like myself either. With all the new surroundings and experiences, my brain is forced to change old habits of thought, disrupting the inertia that was glueing my ass to the chair and my mouth to the bottle. For that reason, moving was a good idea.

Last night I went out with my roommate, Carrie, and the 2 guys who used to live in our place before us. I had a lot of fun--really nice, cute, funny guys. We hung out at their place in Arcata, went to a show at Humboldt State, got some food, then hung out at their place till 2 am. I took a liking to one of the guys, Ben. He lived in my room and get this--he is from San Mateo! hahaha, Oh the irony. I told the other guy, Eric, about the creature he birthed inside the dishwasher.

My classes seem great so far, but it looks like Wednesdays may be the death of me. I have classes from 8:30 am to 8:30 pm--all spread out of course, but still. It doesn't give me enough time between classes to go home and have a decent meal or a nap. I got home last Wednesday night in a BAD mood. At least I'll only have to deal with that once a week.

But I don't know...now that I'm starting rehab on Monday, my schedule is going to get A LOT busier. The outpatient program is 3 nights a week, plus I may be required to go to AA and NA meetings on top of that!! I guess the point is to be busy though...so I'll be sitting in a meeting instead of sitting at home using.

Sobriety is an extremely frightening prospect. I don't feel like myself sober; I don't think I'm capable of connecting with other people or laughing or having a good conversation sober; I don't know how I'm going to handle uncomfortable feelings sober. The guy who did my intake said to consider it a 6 month trial period. If after the 6 months I want to go back to using, I can go back to using. I guess for mere curiousity's sake, six months of sobriety will be good for me. I don't know what it feels like to have no substances in my system. I'm really fucking scared.

Okay, time to eat some dinner and drown my organs in Great White, a tasty beer from the local brewery. I have to say my goodbyes, you know.

glorypearl @ 2006-01-23T10:27:00

2006-01-23T19:12:55Z

HERE I AM IN EUREKA!! I MADE IT!

My internet is still not set up, so I am updating from my school library. Today is my first day of school. The campus is gorgeous! I carpooled with my roommate, Jenine, this morning. I really like both of my roommates. I'm getting along especially well with the older one, Carrie. She has a job in healthcare taking care of a quadriplegic! Jenine is a waitress. I'm going to try and get a tutoring job through my school.

I've been completely sober for 5 days. I don't think I've been sober for more than a 3 days at a time in 4 years!! I was feeling sick and had no appetite the first few days I was up here, but now I am beginning to feel better. Also, the whole time I've been her, I have felt significantly less depressed. Even though being on my own creates new stressors, I feel much happier to be away from my stressful home.

I am doing well adjusting to the place and getting basic things taken care of. Of course things are a bit different here. We recycle EVERYTHING in my house and also compost. I swear the only things we throw away are styrofoam, snotty tissues and bloody tampons! Really makes me realize how much I was actually throwing away. My first day grocery shopping I went into a HUGE grocery store, which turned out to have excellent prices, and got up to the register to find they only accept cash. Weird. My roommates are health nuts, but I'm not buying into that yet...my section of the fridge and shelves is all the processed food - the good stuff! But we are having an ant problem, which is highly annoying, so I have to be extra cautious about how I store my food. I've been putting my dishes in the dishwasher this whole time, but it wasn't until yesterday that I pulled the bottom rack out all the way to find the most disgusting mold I had ever seen growing in the back! It was blue and hairy and I swear it was the size of a rat!! My roommate said those dishes were from the tenant before me and have been in there forever. He stuck all his dishes in, without rinsing them first, before he left, and they've been in there ever since! Apparently they don't use the DW too much! We're going to try to kill the repulsive creature with bleach. None of us wants to touch it!

My cell phone doesn't work at all in or near my house. I called SBC to get myself a phoneline, but they're not available to come out to install it until February 10th or 13th!! Also, I don't have any credit, so nothing came up when they did a credit check, so I had to go to the UPS store and fax a copy of my driver's license over to some credit place. Do you think I will even be able to get a phoneline with no credit?? The guy at SBC already assigned me a phone number.. Until then, I'll have to stick with making my phonecalls in parking lots. Also, I've been putting off getting a credit card forever. I really don't want one, but I think it's time I get one, or things like this are going to be extremely difficult for me.

I got my room all set up. I bought a desk at staples, which took me 3 hours to assemble!! At the store, the guy rolled it out all the way from the back, and when I swiped my debit card to pay, it was denied! I was so embarrassed. I went outside and called my bank and they said they had blocked it for fraud because of all the purchases I'd made in Eureka. So they unblocked it, and I bought my stuff. I hate all this money bullshit! It's driving me mad, and my finances are only going to get infinitely more complex from here on out.

My house has been fine so far, except for one very odd and annoying thing...the landlady and handyman guy have their own entrance from their place to our place, which happens to be adjacent to my bedroom, and they come and go as they please! No warning whatsoever!! The first time the handy dude knocked on my bedroom door early in the morning, I was shocked! I don't feel like I have much privacy. They really did not make this fact clear in the lease...I went back and reread it, and it still seems they should at least give us some advanced warning before barging in.. I talked to my roommates about it, and they agreed that it's highly weird and annoying, but that is the way it has always been. They say this place has a high turnover rate because of it. Both of them have only been here about two months. When my 4-month lease is up, I think I'll come home for the summer then find a new place to live. If I don't like Eureka, I'll try living in a different area - maybe a different state!

I have realized that there are a lot of weird people here. I don't think it's a good town to be walking around by myself. I was walking through old town the other day and had a creepy guy wearing a rainbow poncho follow me for 10 blocks!! I made 3 right turns and stayed around other people, and he went away. Then I made a break for my car and got the hell out of there!

I still don't know anyone here. But today is only my first day of school, and I've only had one class. I hope to meet some cool people very soon!!

glorypearl @ 2006-01-15T18:08:00

2006-01-16T02:39:19Z

The moment I stepped into my room, pockets stuffed with beers, carrying an armload of beers to put in my mini-fridge, the song Good Fucking Bye by Matt Skiba came on all song shuffle. The lyrics, which are about breaking up with alcohol, were in my AIM info just yesterday. And last night, before I fell asleep, I was rereading the chapter entitled Reaffirmations From the World Around Us.

I didn't drink them.

glorypearl @ 2006-01-15T12:26:00

2006-01-15T20:40:40Z

I really love these Dumbo figurines!! I want them all! http://www.pewterkingdom.com/Dumbo.htm

When I could barely talk, I'd say to my mom: "SEE DUMBO." So she taught me how to work the VCR, and I watched Dumbo every morning while she got some extra sleep. I have probably seen it over 200 times, and I still cry everytime I watch it!! It is so well done, such an excellent story, and the music is fantastic. Awww, now I want to watch it!